Why did you sequester yourself to a handsomely brutal dormitory for six weeks? You were hoping to meet dorm babes is why. But the only babes in this dormitory are chilly Austrians in over-thick sweaters. They carry around a thousand tiny purses and ignore you while plopping wet German into their quad-band cellphones. “That’s alright,” you tell yourself, “I’ll adapt to this new breed of babe.” You offer them gum, you learn that they prefer paper-wrapped sticks to blister-packed chiclets, which indeed seems like the more European way to go. You fetch their mail for them and bundle it up in twine. “Ooohlurh,” they gurgle approvingly.
So you’re making headway with the Austrians, but you’ve also lost interest in the Austrians. It turns out your real interest is in sorting and bundling mail.
This has been a voyage of discovery. Be glad you took it. Stop crying already and go get yourself a job at the post office and be happy and content forever. From here on out your tastes and moods will never change. Not ever.
Also, you got pretty sweetly fingered by an Austrian who really appreciates gum. That’s right, you were a girl this whole time. Didn’t see that coming, did you? You stupid, sexist lesbian.